Dear Reader: This is more of a warning message than an instructional manual, unless you want to ruin your relationship, then feel free to look at this as advice.
Sometimes all the feels come out in the quiet of a dark night, and your insecurities roll around in silence and the red glow of the clock radio. Laying curled up side by side, you are about to ruin your relationship, while you sleep.
Step One: Don’t talk about your feelings before heading to bed. You definitely want them to stew and fester. It’s the principle of the thing. It’s never a good idea to actually talk about your feelings with the one you love. That would just make things better between you. (No guarantee for perfect or fixed, but better with clear communication is almost always a sure thing.) Good communication is a hallmark of a successful relationship, but we don’t want this to be successful. This is about ruining lives.
BONUS: If your partner asks you. “Is everything is ok?” you must respond, “I’m fine. Why?” That way they feel totally secure, maybe even a little stupid for asking, and you don’t have to deal with your feelings. They will never know you’re upset and what could be better to ruin a relationship, than lies?
Step Two: Every time your partner rolls over towards you, but keeps their arms close by their side instead of pulling you close into their embrace; feel hurt and rejected. Obviously if they are asleep, they must still be thinking of you and how much they want to be close to you, especially if there are unresolved things going on in your relationship or there have simply been a lot of feelings going on all evening. You should totally take this personal and feel slighted with every turn.
BONUS: When you start tossing and turning in your angst, and they wake up and ask, “Is everything ok?” you should definitely say something like, “Every time you move, you move further away from me and you never put your arm around me anymore.”
Whatever you do, do NOT wait about three minutes and say, “I’m sorry, you should be able to sleep in peace and not have pressure about how you are sleeping.” Because if you do that, they might pull you close, kiss you, and tell you how much they love you as they fall asleep again, holding you tight.
Step Three: Think too much. Make up elaborate stories in your head about what’s going on. This story should have nothing to do with reality, that way you can stay hurt or angry or full of whatever negative feels you want. It’s fun to make things up and stay hurt. You won’t sleep and the next day, you get to be cranky while they are well rested and ready to start again.
BONUS: When you wake up, make angry accusations based on the negative stories from your head. It will surely confuse them, hurt their feelings, and get them back in the same mood as you, even after their nice peaceful sleep.
I promise. If you follow these three steps, your relationship will be on the rocks in no time at all. It might even be over before your first cup of morning coffee. And hey- how easy was that? Ending everything while you sleep?
Author’s Note: The author does not accept any responsibility for following these instructions, nor does she claim to have or not have personal experience with any of these situations… just saying.