January Jumpstart: Gets Worse Before it Gets Better

It gets worse before it gets better: I was really determined at first to blog every day, but yesterday, I really needed the day off. I spent most of the morning ugly crying and even today in a quiet moment at the hair salon, I could have started crying again. Now that I am officially not dating Said anymore, all those feelings are really hitting me hard. It sucks. Part of what makes it hard is just plain missing him. I really love him. Part of it is the ending of this relationship I had such high hopes for, and part of it is also realizing, maybe accepting is a better word, that the relationship was pretty messed up for a long time and while partly I didn’t leave because of the lockdown, partly I didn’t leave because I am not that good at recognizing bad when I see it, I guess. Or at least figuring out how to get me from there to better or something, I don’t know.

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The day started out pretty awful when Lux (formerly NG#2) texted me to “talk.” He wanted to let me know that he really likes the woman he met the other day. (I mentioned he went on a date in a previous post.) He wants to figure out what that looks like, to focus on her, on what they could be, and that is clearly not going to be non-monogamous so… I am out. I mean he tried to be nice about it, he would like us to be friends, he loves our connection, he needs time to figure out what all this means to “us”… but let’s face it. If it is going to be a monogamous relationship, she is not going to be ok with him staying friends with the kinky polyam gal he was having sex with when she met him. So, there goes THAT relationship. So soon, dang, there was so much potential there.

Let’s face it. It was new. I didn’t have a lot invested yet, so it will be ok, easier to get over than all the drama I am feeling with Said. But it was a very sad moment for me, especially with my heart already feeling so fragile because of my current break-up. We’ll see if any of his “I want you in my life, I’m trying to figure that out,” talk comes to anything, but I honestly suspect it won’t, so I am trying to move my head and heart in the “No More Lux” direction.

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Then not that long following those messages, I got a message from Said. I have not been messaging him, but he has occasionally been messaging me. The last ones were sweet, “I will always love you” ” Me too” kind of messages. SO I was kind of surprised when he sent me a message that felt very passive-aggressive and mean. Add that to my hormones, my mini-break up with Lux, and the fact that throughout our breakup I haven’t really brought up any of our past issues, just kept it at our lack of communication. I kind of let him have it. I brought up old stuff, I hit him with things I had been holding back on, and I cried and cried and cried and cried. It was not fun.

Then for the rest of the day, I was on pins and needles waiting for his response. Waiting for him to read everything and process it all. I probably should have just blocked him and moved on, but now I was invested in knowing what he had to say. Needless to say, my emotions, my nerves were on a tight link to my tears all day. Thank goodness for my BFF, she had agreed to go with me to do some (hopefully) final furniture shopping (my place is coming along sooo nicely!) I told her to be aware of my crappy day, and she still came out with me. We talked about what was going on, as usual she was calm cool and collected, which helps me keep my shit together too.

We finished up the shopping, got what I needed (fingers crossed), we ordered sushi and had dinner together too. The perfect ending to the day. Afterward, I came home, cried (a lot), drank vodka, watched porn, and had a really great wank! Even had to sleep on the other side of the bed cause that side was too messy for sleeping! Thank goodness I have a really big bed!!

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So- yesterday was NOT the day for writing. I needed to give myself the space to feel the feels, not write about them, not poke them, or evaluate them. I feel better today, though the feelings are still pretty close to the surface. I worked half a day then went and got my hair cut and colored for the first time in sooo long. I look so dang cute if I do say so myself. And now, (delaying this post even more- but so very worth it!)! I am going to go hang out with Dex. He has also had a really shitty day and just wants to eat Chinese food and chill out… and I am so there for that! (Literally, cause I offered to go to his place so he can chill in his own comfy space…)

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You might like this past post. It’s a story of some incredible love I allowed myself to feel while I was on my African adventure, and it seemed fitting since the pics I have been posting have been from that trip.

The Greatest Love of All

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Today’s picture is another one from Africa. This is at Cape Agulhas, Western Cape, South Africa. It is the geographic southern tip of the African continent and where the Indian ocean and Atlantic ocean divide. It was a pretty incredible moment, just one of so many on this trip!

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This post is part of January Jumpstart. Click the badge to check out who else is starting their year off challenging themselves to post to their blog every day! There are some great sex-positive and sexy things happening over there you will DEFINITELY WANT to check out!

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2 Replies to “January Jumpstart: Gets Worse Before it Gets Better”

  1. Don’t be so upset about Sayid. Everything will pass and everything is for the better. The photo is great, the place is epic.

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