I find it hard to believe, both that I have been writing this blog long enough for this be my second year-end wrap-up of my Polycule, and that I have been polyamorous long enough to have almost 2 years of writing about it under my belt. So- without further ado… the 2019 Polycule- Wrap-up.
I knew this year would be a bit different than 2018 since I wouldn’t be living Berlin and I would be partaking once again in a more nomadic lifestyle. I wasn’t as concerned about maintaining my relationships long-distance as people thought I should be, I had a lot of confidence in our connections. In the end, my confidence was justified, but there were definitely adjustments on all of our parts to get used to the new norms. (Read the other “Evolution” posts at the bottom of this page for more details…)
I also did not have nearly as much random Tinder sex as I had had in previous years while living in Berlin. Firstly, because I took an intentional break from sex until I got to Colombia. I needed that 2 months or so to get accustomed to not being in Berlin and I wanted to focus on the changing nature of my existing relationships before engaging in new ones.
Once I got to Colombia I found it difficult to adjust to the dating culture in South America again. I didn’t date much until I met DJDM. He has been the most amazing gift of this whole year and a very unexpected one at that.
I met him at the end of June and by the middle of the next month, we were solidly into a lovely connected relationship. On July 25th he told me he loved me. We spent a most beautiful day confessing our love, lounging in bed, and even having our first threesome together! LOL (Since then we’ve met a nice couple we had a date with before I left, and he’s been out with them since I’ve been gone. Fun to know we have play partners when I return!)
Eventually, my plans took me to Ecuador for two months and for his birthday in October he came to see me in Cuenca for a 5-day holiday. It was lovely and perfect and by the end we had bought these sweet rings at a market and declared our love and intention to grow our relationship, continuing to build it on the principles of being Open, Honest and Connected.
I’ve spent the past 2.5 months in Europe, on a cruise, and with family in Alaska. It has been a lovely adventure, but I must say this past week or so, knowing how close we are to being reunited has been the most difficult of all the time we’ve been apart. That said, while it has been difficult to be apart from him, it has been amazing to recognize how much our relationship has grown despite the distance.
Maybe it’s because of the distance. We have to talk constantly and stay connected. We have to stay honest and tell each other about our feelings and circumstances, even when that is a bit awkward or uncomfortable. It’s easier to get away with not doing those things because we’re not face-to-face, but doing these key relationship actions even when we could get away with not, makes us stronger and our bond has definitely grown.
We also spend a lot of our texting time writing about how much we love each other, with some lovely specifics why. I am blessed that DJDM is very good with words and never shy to tell me how he feels. He keeps me swooning with his declarations of love and how much he wants me sexually. This definitely keeps our spark strong!
I will be back in Colombia in just over a week, and I can hardly wait! We already plan to do lots of fun exciting things I can write about on my sexy blog (www.lustitude.com) But more importantly, I cannot wait to hold him in my arms. To lay on the sofa with his arms around me, caressing my forehead, holding me close. Just being able to share in the little day-to-day things we do is something we have missed more than we knew we would, and I cannot wait to get back to him and begin this new phase of our together-life.
I was fortunate to be able to spend a whole week with Benjamin in his home in Hamburg at the end of November. It was great to touch him and talk to him face to face again. I’ve missed that connection. Our relationship is sometimes a bit awkward and getting back to a flow of being together after almost a full year apart was definitely awkward at times too.
He and his wife are separated and even though it’s been quite a while, there are still times when things stress him about that relationship and it takes him some time to get out from under those emotions. That was difficult for both of us during my visit. Due to that, travel weariness (he had been in the Middle East for two weeks before and on the same day I left, headed to Africa) and truthfully some insecurities on both of our parts, we only had sex one time while I was there. It was really great sex and our kinky bedroom D/s is still intact- but the frequency of our sexual interactions was definitely a bit of a downer.
A few highlights though:
*His mother came by when I first arrived. She pulled him into the other room and asked, “Where will Lala sleep?” His response was, “Well, we are both adults. She will sleep in my bed with me.” He is not open with his family about his polyamory, and they know and have spent time with his local girlfriend. They also know me from my frequent visits when we first started dating. But they knew me as his wife’s friend. His mother always wondered because of the amount of time he and I spent together alone if there was something up between us. So now, she has a little more insight into our relationship, though she hasn’t asked anything since. We still spent time with his family during the week and they were lovely to me.
* His 5-year old is a sweet doll. At one point she came up to me, leaned into my side at the kitchen table and asked,
Little: “Do you know Andi?”
Me: “Yes I do! Do you know her?”
Little: “Yep! She comes to visit us and sleeps in my Daddy’s bed too!”
Me: “I know! Isn’t she great!”
Little: “I like her too.”
Off she went running to play. Kids are so great and if you don’t make a big deal out of things, they don’t either! I especially appreciated that she seemed to be checking in that we all knew what was going on and were on the up and up. Even a 5-year old understands that in our cultures, usually relationships are a single partnered pair, and it kind of felt like she wanted to make sure we were all on the same page. Yes, sweetie, we are!
Going into 2020, I have no idea what will happen in our relationship. I feel in a lot of ways, we actually drew closer while I was there. We did specifically reaffirm our commitment to this relationship together. That doesn’t mean that it will stay in the form it has been, just that we still care about each other romantically and wish to continue to be connected. I always try to stay open to the changing needs of the relationship and each of us in it, particularly in a long-distance one. I look forward to seeing how it grows and evolves this coming year.
Oh Stefan. My longest relationship and the least traditional. Yet, even though many people can’t understand it, he and I are very connected and care very much about each other. As my time in Berlin drew to a close last February, it became clearer than ever that our relationship is deeper and more connected than even I was giving it credit for. Even as I say that and even as he was very supportive of me in the way he can be, my relationship with him is in the most flux of all.
When I told him mid-summer that I was coming to Berlin in November, he immediately offered to make sure I had a place to stay when I arrived in order to make my transition easier. True to his word, he picked me up at the airport (oh what a joy to see his loopy smile when he walked in to meet me!) and took me to his old apartment which is now being rented by a friend of his, (but he was out of town) and settled me in for a week. The time we spent was lovely but too short. (Don’t worry, there is a Sex Scientist story -or two- coming out this month telling that story!) He left the next afternoon and even though I was in Berlin for three weeks, I didn’t see him again. (Sigh)
You see, as I have mentioned in past “Evolution” posts, he is now living out “in the country” in a home he purchased just after I left. He lives there with his other girlfriend and their toddler daughter. They have always been in a more “don’t ask, don’t tell” style relationship and she is monogamous to him. She also has spent the better part of the last two years living in his parent’s home, not speaking their language, and not working. So I imagine living with him now is a much better experience for her.
I am sure you can see what is happening now, I have seen it coming for a long time too. He is not always the best communicator and has trouble talking about his feelings. And now, he finds himself in an essentially monogamous life with her. (He no longer sees his other Berlin girlfriend.) We talked so much on our ride from the airport (making up for lost time) and it was quickly and painfully obvious to me (even though he never came out and said it exactly) that she was not entirely aware that he was in Berlin to be with me. It was also obvious he is not happy with his current circumstance, but he feels stuck where he is.
We talked a little about it and the only thing I could say was that I hope he finds a balance he can live with. I can’t make decisions for him and I won’t ask him to do anything specifically for our relationship that impacts his other life. He has to make those decisions for himself, considering what is best for him. It makes me sad to see how unhappy he is in his life right now. He needs to make some decisions/changes and he is aware of that, but, it’s in his hands.
My poly beliefs though, require honesty and openness in my relationships. Right now, while he is being open and honest with me, he is (I feel) essentially cheating on her. While she knows he is poly, and always has been, the way their life is structured right now and his apparent lack of transparency with her about my visit, make it clear to me, my boundaries may need to come into play. He knows he has to make some decisions before I go back for the summer. He knows I am here for him if he needs to talk or needs my support, but he also knows our relationship will change if he doesn’t make some adjustments.
If you read these posts regularly, you know I always try to be ok with the way relationships change. I adore him and our relationship is special to me in so many ways. Ending the way we love each other now, will make me very sad, but I don’t think I will ever lose him. We have 3.5 years of a lovely friendship along with this romance and I feel sure this won’t change, even if we are no longer romantically linked. But I know from this past visit that being in Berlin without him is sad and difficult for me.
We have tacitly agreed that nothing will actually change between us until I go to Berlin this summer, and since we have a very casual communication pattern, this feels ok to me for now. Interestingly, since I left, he has been the one to initiate communication between us more often than not, and more often than he has ever done before. He has definitely shown his care and love for me in this round of visiting, even if I was sad to not see him more often. He made a huge effort to come and get me, spend the night with me, and arrange for a place for me to stay and now he continues with this effort in our communication.
When we do chat, we have talked about his situation and he usually says things like “it’s difficult” or “figuring it out.” So it is definitely at the forefront of his mind. But all I can do now is wait. I’ll enjoy the times we do get to text or brief voice messages we share… but I will be cautious in my optimism about our relationship continuing this summer. I do feel some optimism, that he mentions his “struggle” and that he texts first… and he is considering visiting DJDM and me in Colombia sometime… but we’ll see.
So- there ya go. The final update of 2019 of what is going on in the polycule. I have a feeling my 2020 update will look completely different, but only time will tell. My poly identity is still very strong but my relationship with DJDM is the first one of its kind since I started understanding how I wanted to design my life and relationships. I know it will change the way I do poly, but I am ok with that because I want my life with him to work and we will design it in a way that it does.
If you are Polyamorous, how has your polycule changed this year?
Would you like to read more of the Evolution of Polycule posts? Here are a few….
January Jumpstart has everyone getting their blogging mojo on- go check out who’s writing every day this month!