If I could say the things I feel, open my heart fully and let my mouth follow, I would say things that might scare you. You don’t like to talk about our emotions and feelings. It’s enough for you to know we check in regularly and spend time together weekly. It’s enough to know that our chemistry is never-ending, whether it’s mind-blowing sexual thrills, or long slow evenings curled up naked talking and laughing. You don’t like to speak about more. This is where you are comfortable, knowing how we feel without making it a “thing” works for you. Because it works for you, I have made it work for me, only occasionally breaking our self-imposed silence to say, “I adore you,” or call you my boyfriend in passing, without correction or repercussion.
But now that the chances of seeing you again, of renewing our special relationship are diminishing due to distance and the ways our lives are changing, I have things I want to say. I’m sitting in a little pub in Edinburgh, drinking gin tonic a random man bought me, exhausted from last night when you fucked me the way we love to, and afterward, I lay in your arms naked and satisfied. I’m tired because we broke our habit of sleeping in and snuggling all morning, for an alarm clock and a few brief snuggles before you took me to the airport to start my adventures.
I still smell a bit like your morning tang, because I couldn’t resist curling up under your arm after my shower, stroking the fur on your chest, running my fingers through your hair, your arm holding me tight against you, one last time.
I left you a note, and before I said goodbye, I told you it was safe to read. You can read it and not stress your emotions. You can read it and not worry that it’s too heavy or too deep. Be sure; there are emotions. Be assured; I let you know under no uncertain circumstances, you are important to me. But that note is not this one, it never could be. I respect your boundaries, I appreciate the patterns we’ve grown comfortable in over the past two years, and I won’t make you uncomfortable.
Instead, I will pour my heart out here, on this page, for my internet friends to see and identify with, or not, because I have things to say. I have so many feelings just up under the surface right now, if I don’t say them, I’m just going to keep feeling them, and that feels like too much right now.
You are my home and my hot wild sexual explorations. I write about that regularly. You’ve told me you don’t want to read about it, and it’s enough to know you’re frequently the subject of my writing. You are the reason my life changed, and I became this open happy sexually free and polyamorous person. Well, of course, I had something to do with it too, but without meeting you, I would never have known so much of this existed.
- Polyamory. You introduced this concept to me.
- Talking about our Sex Life. I was never brave enough to do that until I met you. When we did, it opened up a whole new world for our sex life, let alone the one I openly share with others.
- Squirting. Seriously! How did I never know this was a thing until your fingers flexed inside me and brought out the gush and flow of sensations.
- Fisting. Again, how did I not know? And why once I DID know, are all the men I now meet into it too? Where were they all before the first time you reached your hand so deep inside me?
- Poppers. Shit. The light-headed intensity of sex on poppers, (and the way it relaxes specific muscles to make the other things we do even more pleasurable) is something I’ll never be able to live without again.
- Sex while smoking weed. The chill thrill of heavy limbs and slow easy thoughts. Add that to poppers and the intensity with which we made love cannot be duplicated.
Until recently, the non-traditional nature of our relationship confused me into thinking you didn’t care about me the way a “normal” boyfriend did. I often felt that what we had was awesome but not as deep or as loving as “other” relationships. (I still love you deeply and lovingly, but something held me back from recognizing those feelings in you.) But meeting your friends and asking you for the support I needed in the past few weeks, showed me in tangible ways, how much you love and care for me. Thank you for that.
When you drove me to the airport, I wanted to take a final selfie, and you have never once refused my request for photos, but I also wanted to stay in that moment. I tried to look at you with my own eyes, not the camera lens. I wanted to see the crazy bed hair you don’t bother to style in the morning, the slight 5 o’clock shadow on your cheeks and chin, the crooked grin you flash at me. I wanted to soak up every last second of You and Me together. You kissed me quickly and pulled me in for one last hug, and I craved your arms around me forever, unchanging, our relationship precisely as it was in that moment.
The last night I was there, you told me, “My life is changing too.” My stomach dropped, because all along this journey of leaving my Berlin home, in my heart and head, YOU were a constant. I knew it didn’t matter how long I was gone from there; you would be there when I get back. But now you tell me you are considering buying a home in the country and settling there full time with your other girlfriend and your daughter. That’s a lovely vision, you, the country gentleman. You already spend every weekend in the country with them and your parents, but full time means you won’t live in Berlin when I get back.
I was afraid of the emotions I would show, so I didn’t ask any questions. But in my head, I had so many… Will you still be poly? Will you come back to Berlin to see Sally and me regularly or will we be relegated to the past? Will we be only occasional visits instead of regular visits? I doubt you know the answers to those questions quite yet, so I reminded myself that relationships find their level and I never want to force them to be something they’re not. The confidence I have in our relationship isn’t shaken so much as reshaped, more open and fluid than I expected. Plus, why worry about something that won’t impact me directly for another 10-months at the minimum?
Who knows what will happen between now and when I return to Berlin. I am happy to check in with you occasionally, as we did the 9-months after I left Berlin the first time. You have impacted my life in such significant life-changing ways that no matter the future, you will always feature as a giant in my past. Thank you for that! Thank you for being you, for being open, for falling for me and helping me be open to new possibilities and experiences. I know so many things will change for both of us, I also know, regardless of what happens, I adore you.
I always will.
Other posts about this partner:
Adding this as part of Masturbation Monday! Click the icon to read some seriously amazing smutty goodness. This week’s prompt has some amazing stories- check them out!